Adam: haven’t heard from her in years didn’t know if she just off and died like the other women you date
Brendan: thats happened once, and I had *almost nothing* to do with it!
Brendan: I mean, yeah… I bought the poison
Brendan: I slipped it into her food
Brendan: but the cause of death wasn’t "poison"
Brendan: it was liver failure
Adam: wouldn’t it have been poison
Adam: if they knew that’s what caused the failure?
Brendan: Oh sure, the poison caused the liver failure which caused the death.. but you can’t keep tracing these things back… it opens up a can of worms. Next thing you’ll be wanting to blame gas stations for automobile accidents.
Adam: What if they put soda in instead of gasoline, causing the accident?
Adam: or ‘introduced a fatal and liquid based element’ that otherwise wouldn’t have been there
Adam: into say, the car’s romantic dinner, while it signs it’s will over to you
Brendan: Wouldn’t that have been coca-colas fault for producing said soda?
Brendan: All I’m saying is that a person can’t live without a liver
Brendan: They can live perfectly well with poison. In fact, I have some in my trunk at this very moment.
Adam: while I think we’ve both proven that’s only partially true….
Adam: having it in your trunk isn’t really the same thing is it?
Adam: like living with someone isn’t ingesting them…
Adam: except that one party
Adam: (which was RAD by the by)
Brendan: Good times were had by all… Anyway, all this talk of poison has got me thinking about dinner. Care to join me?
Adam: sure sounds good
Adam: I …
Adam: wait
Adam: we haven’t discussed my will lately have we?
Brendan: Of course not! That would be crass… On an unrelated note, did I tell you that I have a friend who does life insurance policies? He will be joining us tonight.
Brendan: Please bring your birth certificate.
Adam: Oh you mean that shady guy who was friends with..
Adam: wait… why?
Adam: Honestly I’m so full from those brownies you left at my house this morning
Brendan: Just in case the mood to sign up for life insurance hits you
Adam: they were rich, and tasted roughly of almonds, although I didn’t see any
Brendan: You ate those?! Those were for Carrie. Who just signed up for life insurance with my friend I might add
Brendan: Lets move dinner forward a bit
Brendan: how’s right now for you?
Adam: But you know I keep my birth certificate in that same old folder in my bedroom, next to my stocks and bonds, jewels, and those never-used suicide notes that I wrote a few years ago
Adam: you know, as a joke
Adam: right now? I’d love to, but I feel a little dizzy
Adam: I guess I’ll be okay to drive
Brendan: You should probably drive extra fast though… get it done and over with.
Brendan: Oh
Brendan: and if you feel like you are going to crash… I hear that crashing into a red VW bug with licence plate 3HDK342 is the safest thing to do
Brendan: Try and hit on the driver side
Adam: k… texting.while driviiing
Adam: eyes.dim. going black.
Adam: slugbug
Brendan: -= fin =-
Adam: *claps*

My good friend God “The Lord” Stockton is apparently spawning a child, I think his wife is involved as well, but to be honest I don’t like to pry into the mysteries of nature, there are traps, like in the temple of doom.

Since I heard the news the question came up, what’s the name? I thought I might help. The Last name here I’ll call the boy’s last name “Stockton” and the Girls last name “Hill” but insert your own last name and add your own suggestion.

Boy Names:

1. Damien Beezelbub Stockton
2. Doombringer Bloodrinker Stockton
3. Chad Rockbiter Stockton
4. Froderick Frankensteen Stockton
5. Professor X Stockton
6. Stockton Stockton Stockon
7. Truth Justice Stockton
8. Monty Python Stockton
9. Gohd Dahm Stockton
10. Johnny Science Stockton
11. Highlander “Therecanbeonlyone” Stockton
12. Frodo Bilbo Stockton

Girl Names:

Using Gods wife’s last name of “Hill”

1. Girl Woman Hill
2. Sheba “Chosen One” Hill
3. Rogue Operative Hill
4. Sally Poledancer Hill
5. Vixen Viola Hill
6. Shiva Summons Hill
7. Jersey Lawyer Hill
8. Xen Ninja Hill
9. Xena Warrior Princess Hill
10. Shadow Hibiscus Hill

I’m very much expecting at least one of these to be used, in the event of an emergency or transgendered / hemaphrodite child, I’ll go with “Twoolah Baskins Stockton-Hill”

Will update if they take my obviously superior suggestions to heart, be sure to add your own suggestions in the comments!

(Congrats to God & Amanda)

Now the Twist Here is that some of them I’m making up and Some of them I’m NOT. I’m not going to say which ones are which, because before you know it some people will be sending me examples of how I’m wrong (or right) and I’m already ashamed enough of the human race.

D and D Style:

Picture this, every movement and phrase, every attempt to remove an article of clothing or change position has to be preceded by a toss of the dice. A Sexual Dungeon Master has to be present to oversee the rules and regulations as well as plot the next move. Each type of sexual action is a test of your Will, Charisma, Luck, Strength etc. For example if you’re trying to flip her over while still being inserted it would be a test of both Dexterity, Strength and possibly Luck. You would first, announce your intentions and then roll a 20-sided die the S-DM (Sexy Dungeon Master) would then check the numbers against your stats and give you a response like “You successfully flip that bitch over and stay in” or on a low roll it would be something like “You fall off the bed and your penis ends up in the flower pot and you lose 2 hit points.” either way its a lot of fun (Read: Not fun at all).

Completely Disinterested Style:

The concept here is both partners select an activity, just engaging enough to require most of their concentration, but un-exciting enough to keep things at a nice dull level. So for instance you couldn’t bungee jump while she gets a tattoo. A more reasonable example would be the two of you having sex doggy style while you solve a Sudoku puzzle on her back and she learns to maneuver the stock market on a laptop. The point of this, besides becoming a WASP, can be to either prolong sex, defeat premature ejaculation, increase multi-tasking skill. As an added bonus, you can use this to humiliate your partner by performing this style without telling them first. If you’re the psychologically abusive type.

Warcraft Style:

I hesitate to bring this into the ugly light of the world. but if you’ve ever played World of Warcraft, and lets face it, you probably have (loser). Then you have probably thought about this at one time or another. It’s just ridiculous. People do it though. Sure there’s no actual nudity in WoW but a Female Night Elf (About the only species that even gets CLOSE to attractive) prancing around in her undies and dirty talking you in a private channel might actually be better than plain old cybersex. At least there’s a focus for you to look at, and you can imagine its the elf, or a hot chick, or anything but the unshaven male 35 year old janitor it ACTUALLY is. So I’m not saying I don’t understand, but I am telling you, you’re a bunch of pathetic tools. Even the very fact that I know this is true, puts me at a disadvantage to the rest of normal society. But I had to take one for the team, and warn you all, its out there…

Glory-Holing:

This one is actually a fetish and has several websites dedicated to it. Although I don’t think any of them live up to the true spirit of the infamous “Glory-Hole”. A Glory-Hole or GH for short, is a hole in a wall/stall/bathroom/barrel/etc that you insert your penis into and receive pleasure of some type. I say this all in a very generic way because it can be construed many different ways. It started many years ago as a joke, then gained some popularity in the gay culture in the 60′s and 70′s because people were still afraid to reveal themselves as gay, and could keep their anonymity. However it caught on with the rest of us, shortly afterward. I don’t think its very common, mainly because there’s an inherent fear of putting your junk through a dirty hole that you can see, into a dirty hole that you can’t see. But there’s still a thrilling and exciting feeling to letting it all hang out, now if there was some way to know what was on the other side, it would be almost not disgusting.

Well now you know a little more about yourselves, and why I hate you all.