Dangerous Activities: Lizard Camping




We like to do IMprovisation, which is improv via instant messenger, to that note we’ve come up with several improvised conversations about dangerous activities. Special thanks to Semper
(Lizard Camping)
Adam: You know anything about lizards?
Sean: Poisonous ones?
Adam: semi
Sean: Like nausea but not death?
Adam: depends on if it gets you more than once
Adam: you know it’s better if we both get out of the sleeping bag and look this up
Adam: I don’t think it’s safe to just say ‘ hey that poisonous lizard is PROBABLY not fatal
Sean: Well the iPad is closer to you, and I’m warm.
Adam: They go for warm! think cold thoughts…
Adam: so cold…
Adam: mind over matter…
Adam: just mind over.. *fuck* god dammit *fuck* he got me twice *fuck* shit that’s three, he got me three times
Adam: HOW MUCH VENOM DO THEY HAVE???
Sean: And for the record I said, ” it doesn’t LOOK fatal.”
Adam: you pick NOW to rub that in?
Adam: I’m chock full of potentially fatal venom here, the lizard is still in the tent, I think he’s just tired… but still angry
Sean: Okay I learned this from an Italian renaissance physician. *cuts arm*
Sean: It’s called blood letting
Adam: ow!
Adam: He didn’t even bite my arm
Sean: Oh wait are these lizards carnivorous?
Adam: how the hell do I know, it bit me it didn’t cover me in barbeque sauce
Sean: Well what does the always truthful Wikipedia say?
Adam: lizard: a member of the reptile family they… this isn’t helpful!?
Adam: I tried poison lizard but I got a german punk band
Adam: I think I’m getting dizzy
Sean: Oh your supposed to only let half a pint out!
Adam: oh shit I’m still bleeding
Adam: damnit man, get a rag, give me your shirt
Sean: And that’s my nice shirt your using as a touniqit
Adam: well if mister 17th century medicine weren’t try to goddamn leech me we wouldn’t be in this predicament
Adam: Look just call for help
Adam: use your phone
Sean: Oksy….ah….no can do I switched to t-mobile. No service. I did see a telegraph at the rangers station, let’s go down and send a distress…
Adam: Dude, I’m seeing double and I think I taste pennies, this isn’t good, can you please go down there and go straight there and send for help…
Adam: I’ll just lay here, maybe sleep some, *FUCK* goddamned lizard got my ear
Adam: get him out
Adam: get it out
Adam: get it
Adam: get it
Adam: goddammit get the fucking lizard
Sean: Sure…. Want anything from the convenience store?
Adam: Yes, a helicopter! just go get help!
Adam: fucking go!
Sean: Got it!!
Sean: Awwww he’s so cute….look he’s licking me
Adam: don’t play with it, snap his neck and throw it outside
Adam: and.. why are you still here?! I’m sweating like a pig and why is it so cold?
Sean: Okay I’m gone. Come on Mr. Bitey. Lets get the baby a helicopter
**Time Passes **
Sean: *panting* okay I called the heliocopter, but….
Adam: whuzzat? whooo? freidreick is that you?
Adam: The germans are coming!
Adam: You’ve got to save the mermaids
Sean: *slap* get a hold of yourself man! Mr. Bitey is a Mrs. Bitey, and I found out they like to lay there eggs in the chest of creatures they bite more than five times. How many times were you bit!!!
Adam: hunh? like 4 or 12 or hey are you dressed like a pirate?
Adam: wait eggs!?
Adam: what?
Adam: is that why I’m so itchy?
Sean: Yes, 4 or 12? Okay buddy grab my hand we are going to get you through this. Oh God you’re all swollen. Now I have some bad news.
Sean: The males are twice as big and spit a blinding venom. The eggs hatch in 12 hours and the babies are twice as deadly as the adults.
Adam: That’s okay I’ve only been asleep here for an hour while you went to the ranger station… and dressed like a pirate?
Adam: How long have I been asleep….?
Sean: It’s been 6 hours. You wouldn’t wake so I went to the campground next door and played poker with some pirates who couldn’t pay.
Sean: But the helicopter is here by now i think…let’s not argue. Let’s just go
Adam: Poker? Helicopter, what? I hate you so much right now, why is the floor moving
Sean: Umm.,,that’s the bad news. It started to rain and the hillside has been flooding, that’s heavy rain running under the tent.
Adam: Oh for gods sake, let’s go to the goddamned helicopter they can help us – Jesus baby lizards! They’re so fast!
Adam: cover your eyes!
Sean: Yeah this species has more of a membrane than a shell. You’ll feel them more around as they burrow near your heart
Sean: Ah….oh you mean those baby lizards!
Sean: Here hold Mrs. Bitey
Adam: What?! Why would you still have, OH GOD MY EYES and MY HEART AND MY EYES AND OH GOD
Adam: *Adam Dies*
Sean: (I worry for us sometimes, I think this might actually happen in an emergency)